Beauty from inside out

It has been quite sometime i did not go and look for new outfit for myself. I felt lousy because both my weight and age accelerates as time passed by. I thought a woman at the 50s is not necessary to spend so much to dress up. Mind you it was very very wrong to have such mind set.

Somehow when i woke up this morning and when i looked at myself in the mirror, something flashed my mind that i could look better than the woman in the mirror. I decided to go for hairdo and go to a boutique to look for some new clothes for this coming CNY. I need to cheer up myself.

When i reached the boutique, the owner welcomed me with open hands because i have been there before. She started to sort out some dresses and blouses for me to try. She used to give XXXL size to try and surprisingly this time i felt loose. She stared at me and a sked : ' did you lose weight , you seemed shrinked in size wor ?' and she gave me downsize and it fitted me so well. I looked so different and the clock seem rewinded back to my 40s. She was very amazed she said i looked so much better than the year before. She complimented me in all aspects including my skin, hair, and my body etc etc. At the end she also asked me for the 'secret recipe' to maintain young .

Wah I felt so good and of course end up bought a few dress from her lor. Appearance and dress code really can transform a person 's look and enhance one's self esteem, believe or not !

A special CNY mood

New year is suppose to be a very happy reunion moment with the love ones and siblings and many other relatives and friends. Unfortunately, this seem difficult to happen for this coming NEW YEAR !

Looking back 2009, many unhappy incidents happened among my siblings and it has reached the stage that relationship cannot be 'repair' any more. Heartaching and tear dropping ! I have to cancel the annual 'da tuan pai' which we used to do every year !! I felt a bit lost and not able to adjust my feeling for a moment.

I also feel bad for my beloved mother who has her left leg amputated last year. She needs full attention but due to her sickness, her temper and attitude has totally changed to another person. Her change has made her children draw away from her. I wonder , is live too long a nuisance to her children ? She loves to be with her sons but the sons are trying all ways to push her to each other. They are just reluctant to bare the responsibility to take care of her. The fact is she does not know what is happening around her. Otherwise she will be crying all day long !

Coming back to my own family. my children have all grown up to be adult and they do not need my attention anymore . I seem freed from responsibilities as a mother but at the same time it has created a vacuum to me to the extend that i feel my value depreciates .. I know i should be proud that my kids who do not give me much trouble and indeed they all are well brought up kids but the uncertain feeling strikes me again ! I will be mad if this stupid feeling come back again and again..

complicated feeling

I just cannot explain my feeling today., sad, uncertain and lost my direction apparently. It just came like that.

I hope it was not the depression that i encounter before. I really need some external help. What should i do ? Talk to someone, shout it out, or hide away ???